Mom loved a lot of things, people, super-heroes, movies, quotes, moments and memories. She was the first to make a moment, and the last to leave it. It’s safe to say that Mom wanted to appreciate life, no matter where she was or what she was doing. Time was of the essence and she would make the most of it.
It seems these days, time is what I have a plethora of. And all the time I’d had leading up to this time now, I’d wasted thinking I would run out of it. I have time, time to think, too much time to think maybe. Time to wonder what on earth I’m doing with the time I have. It becomes a circular realm of thought. I’ve come to grips with the simple, pure fact that I am indeed lost.
Not many people get to be lost, or get to indulge in “being lost”. It’s a time to find yourself. But I don’t know really, like really don’t know. I’d like to pretend that I know what I’m getting into. In fact though I’m getting one puzzle piece a day and I’ve yet to start putting them together. Goodness knows what the grand picture will look like. Haha I shudder to think.
Mom was home from the hospital after the second round of chemo and we’d had a conversation about this topic. Well in all honesty we’d talked about this multiple times over Skype while I was living in Beijing. It wasn’t new, just a changed venue and different circumstances. She said:
“I had no clue what I was doing at times, I mean there were times when I’d think the same thoughts you’re thinking. It wasn’t as if I had the answers. I just kept banging on a bunch of “doors” until a few opened.”
Mom loved metaphors.
“But these days Mom, there’s nothing new, there aren’t jobs, there isn’t a need, there isn’t a burgeoning field to delve into, it’s a tough nut to crack.”
I remember we sat at the kitchen table and I was eating a muffin and she couldn’t finish hers so she passed it to me. I took it and spread some Nutella on it.
“Well, I think if you’re going to look at it that way, then yes, it is a tough nut to crack.”
And then Mom quoted from one of her favourite movies of all time. There are only a two movies Mom quoted regularly or made reference to and they were The Dish and Source Code. Today: The Dish.
“It’s like that man said in that movie, the fear of failure is never quite so frightening as the reality of regret...or something like that. And I say that because if you’re not going to try anything because there’s nothing new, then you’ll get stuck.”
“And I wouldn’t want to deal with regret.”
“No. Leave that for the parents.”
I think we both laughed at that point and then we went outside for a walk. She swung her arms back and forth purposely and took a deep breath with each step. This may sound cliche but it’s how I’ll always remember one of the last days I had with her.
These lost moments, they’re fleeting and they remind me of my humanity. I’m happy to be lost and to appreciate the severity, the profoundness and weight of dealing with it. It’s thanks to these moments and times that I’ve become aware of how beautiful being “found” could be.
By that I mean simply, hooray for these moments of not knowing what I’m up to, hooray for rejection, hooray for closed doors, hooray for the challenge of searching for something “new”, hooray for treading water. The deeper these moments go, the better I’ll be able to appreciate the times when I’m…not treading water or hanging in my lost sense of balance. I’m glad, [still working towards being glad actually] I’ve had to rework my decision-making paradigm. I think everyone deserves a good switch up now and then; it forces you to try new avenues. Sometimes you gotta run down to that riptide and take chances. Besides if every moment is solid then there will be no such thing as a solid moment. Catch my drift?
At least at some point I’d be able to say, [with a British accent because I love reverting to that when I make a poignant statement]: “Regrets? Nada.”
Finding Felicity: A blog aiming to raise awareness of Acute Myeloid Leukemia, a debilitating cancer with personal significance. This site, albeit with a public health agenda, embraces the notion that raising awareness can be accomplished in tandem with any interesting writing, regardless of the topic. A Therapeutic Passage. A cultural segue to more serious issues.