That’s the thing…

I once wished I never had to feel pain, I wished I never had to care. And I wished I could be safe forever in my little sphere of well-understood emotions, kept from anything real. Live a stylized life, like out of a movie, a cartoon or a sitcom. Assign avatar value to emotions so I’d never have to deal with them myself. Live life heuristically so I’d never have to stop and notice. Morse code reality, a constant buzz in the background while sipping my piña colada.  Yeah, like Girl Interrupted, or Rain Man style: never ever feel anything, just point it somewhere else, somewhere more deserving, somewhere more dramatic, somewhere away.

game of thrones animated GIF

Someone told me that the gods envy mortals for their pain. The gods can’t feel anything even if they wanted to, they live indestructible, high above those emotions that make us human.  According to Community Season 2, Episode 3:  Life is only worth a damn because it’s short, it’s designed to be consumed, used, spent, lived, felt, we’re supposed to fill it with every mistake and miracle we can manage. And then we’re supposed to let go.  In summary: mortality. The very thing that kills us, makes us feel alive. And the gods envy us for it.

My mom. I’ve written a dozen characters like my mom, inspired by her, named after her, with all her quirks. But none could ever truly be like her. I guess in the end words, equations, pictures and thoughts can’t replace the meaning someone has in your life.  Perhaps no language can convey how someone influenced you.  If language could do the job, then we could leave the scene unaffected, without feeling any pain. We could sell our emotions like tickets to a show, they’d be nicely conveyed in a line, embodied in a neat picture, an abstract doodle, bottled up love and packaged pain.

I think pain writes only on our hearts and then on our lives, its story can only be told in our own reality. The same reality envied by the gods.

Sometimes you have to forget a bit of yourself just to forget someone else………other times you have to change what’s inside, so you‘ll always remember a person who’s gone-Gumtree


戴梦 Martina

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