The entire time we were moving on a crumbling dance floor, it was coming out from under us and yet the only thing we could do was continue forward. What choice did we have? We can’t just jump off this crazy train and say “Alright, I’m done, tired of this, I need something new and exciting.” No. The choice was made for us, and it’s too bad you know? Cause we’re all such control freaks; for something like this to happen beyond the reach of our grasping fingertips; it’s unimaginable. What on earth? How can this be? How will our world continue to spin without such love and beauty, devotion and care?
Well it must spin on, I guess. I am beyond thankful for my family and we’ll move forward together…
A few months ago, when we discovered what Mom was suffering from, none of us understood the gravity and the result of the circumstance. But here we are now, and it’s been a week and a day since my family has said goodbye to Mom. It’s unreal. I feel like a walking cliché. I can’t even think; to describe the ache and the weight of hurt our hearts feel. Only those who have also lost someone so dear and precious will comprehend…hardship is not relative, hardship is hard.
A few months ago, I had believed with all my heart that Mom would recover, because loosing her would mean living without her. Of course I’d thought Mom would go to the hospital, have the extra bout with chemo, come back and she’d be ok, not fine, not great, but ok, she’d be alive. I’d even signed up to do a FearlessChallenge thinking if I threw myself into this… ugh. My heart and my head were floating on a cloud of illusion and they’ve come down now. Because now Mom is gone and yet, not really gone.
BUT, and here it is Coco Chanel; I’m not angry. Angry with your words? Yes. Angry that we were beating on a wall? No. I’ll explain. Of course I’m hurting. Of course I’m broken. Of course I miss her terribly, and I hate that I can’t hug her or tell her I love her. BUT I am not angry. You know the clichés are true? I feel my Mom everywhere. No I’m not crazy. I feel her, and I talk to her always. It’s a constant conversation. Here’s the thing, even when I was living in Beijing, I would talk to Mom, when I got on a plane I’d say; “Well Mama, here we go again…”I wish I’d told her that. Now…I know that she won’t see the photos I take or hear about my adventures. But I’m not angry Coco Chanel.
There is beauty if you choose to find it. On September 20th, the day of Mom’s funeral, the sun was shining and it was my nephew’s birthday. He turned seven. And when we came home from saying goodbye, there was a rainbow waiting for us. There was pain and there was life and throughout the entire day I felt Mom just smiling away.
We were hammering on that wall and I truly do believe it turned into a door. I truly do Coco Chanel. It’s not the door I had wanted it to be, but it’s a door none-the-less.
That being said, we will forever and always love and miss you Mom. That won’t change.
Us happy people gotta stick together.
Giving won’t bring my mother back it will let someone else keep theirs. Please check out blood.ca to find a clinic and give.
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