I am a dramatic being. I cry all the time. It’s in my nature. Tears weren’t meant to be with-held anyways, so I let ’em flow.
Splashed some cold water on my face as is my usual habit when I get to bed by 2:00 am and my eyes are puffy from crying. What can I say? I’m an emotional person. I cry when things happen. It’s the estrogen. It’s being a girl. Oh don’t get me wrong. I am proud of my tears.
You see we, I mean my family, got a phone call yesterday. And my mom’s cancer, which we thought was gone, is actually still there. A !@#$&! 12% of it. She’ll read this post so I have to watch my language.
Now I know that many families are punched in the face with cancer, we’re not the only ones. There’s a fleet of us. It’s true, and I am not writing this to garner your sympathy. No no, I want the empathy. I’ll be blunt. Your empathy is what I want and empathy is what I want to give.
It’s what I decided to write about when I splashed that water on my face and looked at my puffy face in the mirror. Oh my face is so puffy. But I couldn’t just go with the word empathy to begin writing, and you may laugh at this point, but I looked to my phone which gives me lovely encouraging quotes daily. And this was today’s quote:
“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.” ~Coco Chanel
Needless to say it did not encourage me. Ha! but then who’s the fool looking at her phone for empathy and inspiration to write? Me…we all make mistakes.Embracing happiness means letting some intensity out. So, I will let it out. *Ahem*
Well pardon me Coco Chanel. But you are wrong…
I know you are wrong. Cancer used to be a wall, and thank goodness someone had the good sense to start beating it down. Incessant hope is what got humanity anywhere. Constant testing, waiting, researching, and hoping gets you places. Yes, it is true, we can leave that wall and walk around it…but it’ll still be looming behind us. Yes, we could climb this wall, but that’s hoping there’ll be an end. Yes, it is true, maybe there is a door somewhere along this wall. But what if there isn’t.
What are we to do Coco Chanel? Stand there and stare at this thing? Close my eyes, click my heels three times and wish it away?
That hope, coupled with constantly beating that damn wall is sometimes the only option, Coco Chanel. I want to walk around, find a door or use a rope to scale this damn wall, but those aren’t my options.
And maybe I’m mistaken but many walls have come crumbling down as a result of constant beating. How about fire, how about that wheel? What about under water submersion and what about flight? How about photographs, motion pictures, touch screens? How about the cure for AIDS and how about Diabetes and yes Cancer? Weren’t those all walls at one point Coco Chanel?
Let me speak candidly. I need to believe that beating down the wall is possible for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of happiness in general. It’s why I’ve done a lot of things in my life Coco Chanel. Maybe I’ve gotten your words mixed up. Maybe I’m just tired and frustrated with my walls now and I need to take my anger out on you and your words. Words you probably meant to inspire people with. Maybe I’m just feeling so fragile and mortal now that your words are hitting me right where it hurts. Perhaps I need that.
Like a true Canadian I will apologize if I’ve misread you, or hurt you, misconstrued your words in any way. I’ll apologized to your fans if I’ve tarnished some immortal words. Truly I’m thankful, in an inverse way.
So I apologize that I am not sorry, because I’m still posting this. I’m angry and I need an outlet, and today it happens to be you.
Us happy people gotta stick together.